Cheap thrills

Shopping for lingerie requires stamina. It cannot be done with children unless you know exactly what you need and can throw it in the cart and keep walking. This works with cotton underwear and socks and but not lipstick, perfume or bras.

Done properly, alone, either you have to keep dressing and undressing and go back and forth finding the right size in the right style in the right color, often with a six-item limit, or you are at the mercy of a salesperson to go and do the finding for you as you wait in the changing room, half-dressed.

I shopped for brassieres last in London and so, my friends, the time has come.

If you read the last post, you will know that I have a pair of shoes from Wal-Mart. I also have a pair of mock-Crocs from CVS. UK readers may be amused to know that these are called Doggers. And so, while in Target the other weekend, passing through the lingerie section, I snapped up a basic item in what my size is, according to the fitter at Rigby & Peller (has Royal Warrant for Queen), where I went a couple of times in addition to Marks & Spencer, which is a lot like Target. Bolstered by my success (possible pun there) at Target I went too far when, at Costco, don’t, no bad idea, I was there by myself, I had the illusion of concentration, I bought a two-pack of a similar item.

I know, I was in a warehouse.

There is a Victoria’s Secret down the road and there are two department stores. One features sexy Santa body suits and garters throughout the holiday season. What is that about???

When Victoria’s Secret first started sending me catalogs, during the catalog explosion of the 80s, now I’m wishing I had saved the Peterman catalogs, immortalized by Seinfeld, and so funny, so bursting with the pomposity of our times, yeah, dress like Hemingway, that’ll help, I remember being somewhat surprised they had the audacity to brand themselves with a fake London address. This would have been exposed in Spy Magazine. Something for the girls to get worked up about. The boys were just happy for pictures of Stephanie Seymour. They were kinda going for the Rigby & Peller feel.

The bras at Costco come in that indestructible packaging which is used to encase tiny memory cards for your camera into easily shelvable, hard-to-shoplift merchandise. For prelapsarian readers unfamiliar with Costco, it is a warehouse and there are no changing rooms. But this is a respectable, internationally-known brand of lingerie. I’m not sure where I will draw the line, but Kirkland lingerie might be that place.

And, guess what? As a sign that we are doomed to repeat the unlearned lessons of the past, to hold fast to cultural pomposity, be unabashed by our aspirations, it’s baaaack. Now with references to Abu Dhabi and Italian jazz festivals and getting off the plane at Charles de Gaulle and needing to have just the right shirt for the “investor meeting,” he’s reading Blink on his Kindle…

…she enters impetuously, eyes darting down the wide, industrial boulevards of size XXL Champion ladies exercise capris, the gigantic cartons of goldfish crackers and 3lb boxes of brownie mix. Could the perfect sundress be just over there by the lawn care implements?


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